The Feelings That No One Tells You About

After discovering I was pregnant, I was scared, scared I would be a bad mom, scared to give up my life as I knew it, scared my husband wouldn’t want the baby. This choice that we made to have a baby, the decision not to use protection, the choices that we didn’t know for sure if the answer would be a baby or not. It’s scary to wrap your mind around possibly having a baby, it’s exciting, but you know your whole life will change. If the test isn’t positive, then there is sadness and wonder if something is wrong with you. Not a lot of women talk about their struggles to conceive or about how often miscarriages happen. When we found out we hid it from everyone for almost 14 weeks, 12 weeks is supposed to be the safe zone when your chances of miscarriage go down drastically. Whenever I went to the doctor, I didn’t know if there would be a heartbeat, not that I struggled before, but I knew so many that had and some that I’m so close too.
I didn’t want to be excited, and I didn’t buy anything for the baby until well after we found out what we were having. It was my way of having a wall, so if she didn’t make it to birth for some reason, I was hoping it wouldn’t destroy me. We finally had her in April, and she was healthy, and everything went exceptionally well. They brought Ainsley up to my chest moments after I had her, and that is supposed to be some magical time where everyone cries, and some heavy feeling is supposed to come over my husband and me. That moment didn’t happen, and then I was a new mom who was wondering if I was having depression issues already or if I was broken as a human. I’ve always cared for so many people. Why did I not feel some rush of emotion over my daughter? Even for days after it never came and I got worried, it wasn’t that I didn’t love her or have any feeling toward because I did. I knew I was happy to be her mother and knew I would always love her and treat her like the best thing in my life, but I still didn’t have that crying moment that so many talk about. In this day and time, you tell people about that and let the mom-shaming begin. As if it isn’t hard enough already trying to get life figured out with a new baby, let’s mom shame people for sharing their feelings so that way people don’t feel so alone. I started to talk to some people who had babies in the last year that I knew, and a few said they had the same thing. Eventually, everyone has an emotional moment, but they all come for different reasons. We’ve all had scary things happen while being a parent, whether its a fight with family, a baby getting hurt on accident, a pandemic, or just simple misunderstandings.
I know that my moment came after an argument with my husband. It was one where we needed to cool off, so I slept on the couch with the baby, and he went to the room. It was an argument about priorities and where I now laid because we had a daughter. At that point, my emotions came, and I was willing to protect her over everything else because she was now everything in my world. There is so much emotion that comes with having a baby we just all experience it so differently. People say you weren’t pregnant or that it was fair that my labor wasn’t horrible. While I feel for them because my experience wasn’t horrific, I was still pregnant, and I still went through labor. My body still has the scars and isn’t completely healthy, regardless of the fact I look like I did before. No one talks about how you feel after, about the fact that you feel horrible for working or feel awful because you don’t feel horrible working. No one talks about the fact that it’s okay not to be so uptight just because it’s your first kid, they don’t talk about the fact you can love them and care just as equally just not as crazy. No one talks about the strains it puts on your marriage and how you feel after birth. No one talks about how sex is horrible at first after your doctor has cleared you, how it hurts, how you bleed for months. No one talks about any of this stuff, the stuff that women feel so alone. Life gets complicated, but if we focus more on being on the same team as moms instead of having a competition, I think more of us would feel better about how we’re doing, especially as first-time moms.

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