2020 was a rough one for most of us, it was a year of isolation, fears and hatred. 2020 wasn’t any different for me, but I did get one of the biggest blessings in my life and that was my daughter. Although, she hasn’t met many people I was able to have so much time with her that was unplanned and was beautiful. Things were amazing from that stand point but I struggled and struggled hard for a lot of the year mentally. Trying to figure out who I was with a baby, I couldn’t see family, they couldn’t hold my daughter. My mom worked with COVID and in the beginning we knew nothing about it and she wasn’t willing to take any risk with my daughter. My sister couldn’t come home to meet my kid, I missed my niece’s first birthday which we had all be planning forever. My job working in the restaurant had been shutdown and opened and shutdown again because of state mandate. Life as I knew it was completely different, and mentally I was beginning to collapse. My husband hated his job, and was bringing every ounce of that attitude home. His drinking was spiraling out of control, but only I saw the issue and was over the argument.
By the end of the year everything was really setting in, and I felt so lost. So I decided to pour everything I could into finding a new job, I finally took the jump into my career field. I start my new job tomorrow and I am hoping it helps me get in a better spot mentally. My daughter starts daycare tomorrow too. I think it will be great for her to get socialized and I think it will be good for me to have adult conversations. I have always been a career driven person and I’m struggling to find my happy medium of being a great mom and having a great career. I want to show my daughter there are options in life, she can be a stay at home mom or she can work. There is nothing wrong with either choice, being home all day can be more exhausting than being at work somedays.
I’m hoping with a new start I feel a little refreshed and not so angry and alone. I hope that my marriage gets better, I hope that my husband learns to deal with stuff instead of drinking it away. Life is about learning and growing, we have done so much of that over the years and I hope we can continue to do so. I hope as a person I start to feel more fulfilled and that I am a good mother. I’m not perfect, I struggle being a good mom, my kid sleeps with me cause she doesn’t sleep for crap. If she’s in her crib she has a blanket, I didn’t do the same food for 47 days to make sure she doesn’t have an allergy. She falls and I don’t always catch her, but she’s learning and she’s figuring out how to do stuff on her own. That’s what I want for her to learn the most in life that you don’t need to have another person to succeed and your relationships are stronger if you want them there and you don’t need them there.
2021 is going to be the year of healing for most, including me. Hopefully, in the next few months life starts to feel a bit better. I hope that if I concentrate mostly on fixing my own emotions that a lot of other things will also fall into place. It’s okay to struggle and it is also okay to admit that you are struggling. My goal is to write a little more and help get my feelings out on paper, I feel that it helps me cope a bit. Somedays it’s hard to write because it is also facing a very hard reality in life, it means digging deep and putting a lot out there for other people to read. So here is to 2021 and knowing it all happens for a reason.