It’s been a long couple of weeks. I started a new job. Ainsley started daycare. Everything has changed in our house, and it is just exhausting right now. I finally had my big cry about her being in daycare and made it through the first couple of weeks, though it just really hit last night how much time I’m not with her anymore. I know daycare is good for her, and it is good for me as well. It’s not that I’m saying it’s bad or even what to pull her out, I’m just sad, and I’m allowed to be. The new job isn’t what I thought it would be, and the company is a complete mess. There is no organization anywhere, no one communicates anything, and if one thing is said, it all changes the next day. There are just too many hats all trying to run the show at this point. So, I just have had a couple of long tiring weeks of being up crazy early and getting everything ready for the day. Then I come home, get the kid fed, do dishes, laundry, and whatever else, then it’s time for bed.
So last night, I hit a wall, a wall of trying to figure out if I made the right choice. If I need to find a new job and hopefully it will turn out better, or do I need to go back and take over the event side of my old job. I tried hard to find a 9-5 M-F job, and I don’t think it’s for me now that I’m there. Granted, I’ve always been on a different schedule; I’ve always worked in hospitality and loved doing events. I did this partially for myself because I never wanted to be stuck, and then I did it partially for my husband so we could be on the same shift. Am I happy right now, no, I’m not, and I have to figure out what will make me happy and how to get there? I’m not too fond of that whole living to get out of your job on Friday to come back Monday and hate it all over again for five more days. Things might be in a transition period, but I don’t feel like they are from the bottom of my heart.
It was a rough night, but life goes on, and we all figure out a way around things. Eventually, things will get where they need to be. It all works for a reason, and I know that from the bottom of my heart. It was just one of those days where I needed a good cry; trying to explain that to my tin man of a husband is another thing. He thinks I need to realize that there is more to life than just our kid, and it isn’t that I don’t know that. Mind you, I have been home for the last 8.5 months and have had her every day. I also kept her alive with my boobs alone for the last 7.5 months until the food started to catch on. I also had a kid in COVID, so it’s been me and her the whole time, isolated from the rest of the world. So I’m sorry that I feel like I am entitled to be a little sad and that it is completely normal to feel sad. It’s not like I have been crying every day; I cried for .5 seconds last night. We have to get better at normalizing having feelings; even the strongest people can have a good cry sometimes.
It gets hard sometimes, I spend a lot of time with her, and when I’m not with her, I’m at work. Now my husband does what he wants, goes out, meets up with friends. There is no guilt or care with him. On the other hand, I feel bad if I don’t get her after work and spend her last two hours awake with her. We are also in a spot where we don’t have someone to watch her whenever. Someone has to stay home, and that person is always me, not that I honestly mind, but it should be an offer of hey do you want to do something? He doesn’t think I want to do anything because I don’t drink anymore. It’s just not worth it for me. The kid is up at 6 AM every day, and sleeping is not an option for both parents. There comes the point, I guess, where how much time is spent will be on him, and I can know I did everything I could.