Sometimes I feel like we hear music at the exact times we need to, whether it is a pick me up or something that speaks to the soul. When I find that song, I know that I put it on repeat a thousand times, trying to work through every lyric and every feeling I have. Keith Urban came out with a song featuring Pink, called One Too Many. It is about a couple and the struggles of one person who drinks too much.
Every part of this song speaks to me, and it is an ongoing struggle in my own life. I love my husband, and I know he loves our daughter and me. He works hard, he keeps a roof over our heads, and he cares about us dearly. Does that mean he doesn’t have a drinking problem? No. You can do all these things, show up to work, come home, love and care, be successful, and still have a problem. It just means you know how to function in the process. I will say over the last year him being out drinking has decreased, and he comes home earlier (because of COVID restrictions), but the amount of drinking at home has increased.
When it was just us, it bothered me but not to the point it does now. Now we have a daughter. We have a daughter who watches and learns everything we do. Although she is little now, she won’t be much longer. What scares me the most is whether she has the same gene. My husband has never hit me or anything along those lines, and I doubt that he ever would. He’s never cheated or anything like that either. What happens is we fight about something because he disagrees, and there is no talking after a certain point. I’m the one bitching because he’s out late or he drank too much, and for some reason, according to him, I’m overreacting.
The other night we fought because I won’t pack up and move out of state thousands of miles away with no job, no family of my own, or anything else. There is no opportunity out there for me that screams take that leap. If anything, it scares the hell out of me because I have nothing and no one. I can’t put myself in that position or my daughter. I can’t trap myself in a place where I can’t do anything for myself if I need to at some point. I’m not saying I’m going to leave my husband or anything, but what if he dies, or something happens, and he can’t do anything? Then I’m in a position where I have to put other people out to fix my problems. Well, he didn’t want to hear it because he had too much to drink, then here comes the hurtful things and whatever else that night. I finally told him I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do the rounds of fighting, and then him waking up acting like it is all okay the next day because he drank too much.
I’m stressed to the max with it because it is so up and down, it’s not healthy, and it’s not fair. Hopefully, we can work on this and get things under control. Marriage isn’t easy, and they never said it would be. Having a family isn’t easy either, but it’s part of stepping up to the plate. I can’t change him or his ways. That will be up to him, but I can protect my daughter and myself. I know I love him, but things are a struggle, and if you have never lived with an alcoholic, you don’t know. It isn’t as black and white as people like to believe.