It’s been a long month of trying times, or should I say a long few months. My marriage seemed like it was falling apart faster than I would ever be able to save it, I was running on no sleep because the baby wouldn’t sleep. I hadn’t found a new job, well I still haven’t found that but that’s for a different day. I felt like my entire world was spiraling out and the only thing I could do was hold my baby a tight as possible and promise her that no matter what would happen mommy would always protect her.
My husband had a drinking problem, I still worry everyday that it will come back but for now it seems to be far more managed then I ever saw it before. When I say drinking problem I mean a bottle of bourbon a night plus a handful of beers. It wasn’t pretty, it sucked, he was a mess. He was never abusive or anything along those lines but he was depressed. He was spiraling out of control, one day he was going to kill someone or himself driving drunk. We had a lot of conversations about it, about how I wasn’t going to deal with this forever and it’s not fair to our kid. I was looking at this blue eyed baby girl just praying that she wouldn’t have that alcoholic gene that runs so deep in his family.
For anyone who knows us at all they know my husband would give anything to move to Colorado, I mean we have fought tooth and nail about this because I refuse to go and spend 500k on a single wide trailer not fit for a field mouse to live in. I am not a gypsy, and I won’t just up end my daughters life for something that is not even reasonable. I like to plan, be prepared for whatever I possibly can be, I like to be stable. So this came up almost every time he was three sheets to the wind, so more or less it came up a lot. Finally, one day we talked about it and I flat out told him I would never move until his drinking got under control because I will not put myself in a position to be alone and have to get divorced because you love booze more than your family and be that far away from my entire support system. From that day he changed, it started little by little but within a month he was drinking only two maybe three days a week. He wasn’t drinking bourbon anymore, it was starting to turn around and thankfully because I was getting tired. I was getting tired of the same conversations, the same bullshit of waiting all night for him to get home from the bar. Constantly worried he wasn’t going to make it home.
About a month after all this it happen, on one of the two nights he drinks which one night is golf league night. He got pulled over, he went to jail, thankfully that’s what it was. Thankfully he’s alive, thankfully he didn’t kill someone’s husband, wife, or child. I have always been a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason, this happened for a reason and was a warning. I didn’t yell or scream at him, we didn’t even fight, we didn’t fight because I just can’t do it anymore. The only thing I could say was I will help fix whatever I can and get this to a little as we can but I will not ever help you if this happens again. I told him I don’t believe he will ever get so lucky again, because next time something far worse will happen.
I think this is what it took to get things back on track again, it’s hard to be in a marriage with someone that has addiction issues. It’s harder when you are someone like me who is wired to fix things. Sometimes things cannot be fixed and other times you have to let them fix themselves. If someone does not want to be helped there is literally nothing you can do at that point, they won’t see they have a problem, they will never admit they need help at that point.
Do I get scared that things will spiral backward? Every single day, I always worry. I also think he would be better to stop drinking completely but that is all anyone around here knows. Every day is a challenge, every day I wonder if my daughter will be the same, but every day I show her there are other options. It’s hard always having to be the parent that is on their A-game, it’s hard to be the one who doesn’t get to go out and do things but at the same time I am so grateful to be the one who gets to see her grow and do amazing things.
I once had someone tell me I met my soulmate, but just because they were my soulmate it didn’t mean that it would be easy. It would be something we would have to fight for, something that would take extra effort. Being with your soulmate lights a fire inside you, it pushes you passed any boundaries you ever set for yourself. It makes life worth living, it makes all the hard worth it at the end of the day.